To help calm my fear of flying, my friend told me that there is more chance of dying from slipping over in the shower than dying in an aeroplane crash.
So I was looking up the statistics on how many people die in showers.
Fuck, they must have had slippery showers during World War II.
- My wife has 3 oranges in her right hand and 5 oranges in her left hand. What has she got?
- No chance of stopping an upper cut.
Two prisoners walk in a concentration camp, when suddenly they are tackled by a third prisoner, who knocks them of their feet, grabs a potato from one, and runs away.
- “Stop! Thief! Come back!” - cries on of the knocked down prisoners.
The seconds says: “Don’t worry! I’ve got his number!”
What is the best thing about twenty three year old girls?
There are twenty of them!
A man is strolling through the woods when he thinks he hears a child crying. He goes towards the sound, and sees a car wreckage, next to which stands a little girl.
- What’s happened? - he asks
- Mommy! Daddy! - answers the girl
- Are mommy and daddy in the car?
- Yes! Mommy! Daddy!
- And you alone were left!
- Yes!
- Well, it’s not your day today girl, now isn’t it? - says the man, unzipping his pants
- That’s it! I’m leaving you. Your incessant jokes about my extra weight are driving me mad!
- Wait! Please! Think about our baby! Our poor child!
- What child?!
- Wait, you want to tell me that you are not pregnant?
- I’m so good in bed that after sex with me every woman is so powerless she falls asleep immediately!
- You weakling! With me women fall asleep during sex!
- Honey please come! Daddy is in hospital with a broken leg and will be back only tomorrow, we have the entire house for ourselves!
- Sorry baby, but I’m afraid the place your daddy broke his leg on will not work for a while…
- Do you like blondes or brunettes?
- I like tits!
- Ok… but what about hair color?
- I do not like it when there is hair on tits!
She: baby!! 
I have problems… could we meet?
He: I’m not surprised you have problems. Here are some tips so you avoid problems in the future:
1 - when getting to know guys tell them you’re married
2 - tell them who your husband is and what sport he does in his free time
3 - put passwords on your messenger, skype and ICQ
I’m here in the hospital with two other guys, all of us were invited by your husband to dinner at the same time from your ICQ account. If you think you have problems, come visit and see how good it’s going for us…